Beach Palooza and Paul DeBruyn 30K

Sometimes I wonder why I am so all or nothing in certain things. I jump in head first without really thinking things through. I'm compulsive, spontaneous and reckless. I know this, yet, I can't do anything to change it. I don't see it until I step back to look at the big picture. My issue, my rock, Sueann is just as crazy as I am. I broke Sunday. I gave up and considered dropping out of a race. I let myself focus on the aches and pains. I was focusing on them instead of the positives of what we were doing. I don't know why Sunday got to me. It was just a training run, with an entry fee and a medal waiting for me at the end.

We tell ourselves all these races are training runs for Goofy. Sunday was no different. We'd had fun the day before, we did a 2 mile obstacle course in 21 minutes. Gotten filthy dirty and pushed ourselves to confront fears...heights, jumping flames, and most of all for me, running in my brand new Vibrams on the uneven beach when I had forgotten to tape my knee. I got through it, I enjoyed it, wished they'd thrown more at us at the end. The next day I'd hate the sand, I'd hate the monotony, I'd hate running. Maybe I'm burnt out, but how can I be? I have 3 marathons between next weekend and the end of January. I have 3 half marathons left also, but these don't concern me. It's the monster runs, the marathons. I don't want to do them anymore. What changed in me since April when I finished my first and LOVED the experience so much I was ready to sign right up for another? I was injured and running was painful during that marathon, yet I did it, loved every painful step. Was it the fact I was running my first marathon while my 5 year old son completed his first Kid's marathon? Was it the fact my children would be there with my family to witness me crossing the finish line of a race my dad said I'd never be able to finish? Was it the fact for the first time ever my brother said he was proud of me? I can't answer it anymore.

So let's talk about Sunday, I did good until about mile 15 (well minus the 4 minute bathroom break where my CWX tights and sweat covered legs didn't want to cooperate!!!) We picked off 7 runners, but later one would pick me off (he is a master walker...we are talking BIG TIME...10 moons in HalfFanatics and 10 suns in Marathon Maniacs.) Around mile 16.5 I let Sueann go. My hips were on fire, my foot was on fire and my heart was not in it. I ran on and off, but not for more than a minute at a time, it was all I could handle. I was in a mood, I just wanted it to be over. I pondered quitting then got mad at myself. I'm not a quitter. I wanted to be, but I'm not. My boys love playing with my medals and I knew I'd disappoint them if I didn't come home with one, that and a DNF when it wasn't truly warranted would haunt me forever. The race was lonely, it was SMALL, last year it was 57 people. This year's results haven't been posted yet, but I know it was 100 or less. NO crowd support, only the volunteers. Dr. Welch was volunteering and cheered me on at the 2 stops she was at and came up and talked when the race was over, she's so happy and positive, standing there with her big black boot, dreams of Boston on hold but supporting all her fellow runners without a hint of depression. I have the hint of depression and I can still run. I need to snap out of it.

Sueann and I did decide, no more marathons, we'll run the 3 we are signed up for and when we get into NYC, it will be the 5th and final marathon we run. I'm done with the long distances, the half is perfect for me. I also have more time with my kids when we aren't training for a marathon. So I will finish out marathons #2-5 and that will be all. I will then work to break the 2 hour mark on the half, I don't care if it is 1:59:59!

It was also official yesterday, I'm Half Fanatic #640! I may only have 1 moon now, but my goal is to get up to 4 or 5!

Next up - Marathon Maniac!

So yes, I'm nuts, yes I tend to bite off more than I can chew, but hey, it helps me test limits at the same time...